3 ways to work with chaos when it comes knocking
This week has been a TRIP. Maybe there were some planetary events at play? Maybe its the war and genocide being waged overseas? Hormones? Lack of sleep? Friday the 13th? Who knows. But my own inner chaos was full-bore this week. Did you feel it too?
You know, that feeling when your brain is going-going-gone?
Like a tornado, unsure of where or what's next but you're just spinning in it... That sense of inner restlessness without obvious reason. The oscillation between energized optimism and existential dread. Add a side of whiplash from moving between those highs and lows faster than your body can keep up with!
When I feel this chaos, two things tend to be true for me:
I am struggling to slow down and feel anything.
I am very aware of that struggle, and fighting like hell to hold it with compassion and curiosity
When the inner chaos is ever-present, it's usually chaos in my mind: Racing thoughts, fear about the future, rumination, lack of focus, self-flagellation, self doubt, guilt and shame, and a sense of self detriment (i.e. you're still struggling, why tf haven't you grown through this yet?).
Those thoughts are sooo busy, there's literally no room left to feel. All my energy is tied up in my head, body just floating in space.
And you know what?? Sometimes the chaos mind feels flipping good because it's protecting me from feeling my feelings and doing whatever it is they're asking of me.
Generally I'm verrrrry aware when this is happening. Maybe too aware. I'm able to notice that I'm out of alignment, stuck in my head, racing from one thing or thought to the next. I'm aware of the struggle, and yet it can feel next-to impossible to slow it down enough to reconnect with what I'm actually feeling and needing.
Having the self awareness is great. That's a start. And what then?
It's one thing to understand intellectually what you're experiencing, it's another to be in right-relationship with it and process it at a body level.
I don't promise to have The with a capital T answers, but here are 3 things that have consistently gotten me through these tornado moments, without adding too much more chaos or pain via Chronic Coping.
Trust in the tides: The bittersweet truth is that all things come in waves. Seasons change. There will always be an ending, followed by a new beginning. There cannot be expansion, without contraction first, birth without death, light without dark. So when it's dark and my chaos mind is racing, I take some solace in knowing that this darkness will be followed by something more expansive, slow and easeful.
Titrate, titrate, titrate: In most simple terms, Titration is just a fancy way of saying, dip your toes in (to your emotional waters) as far as you can stand, then pull out. 2 steps in, 1 step out. In the context of somatic work, and figuring out how to "slow the tornado," this will look like a lot of baby steps to come back into your body when your mind is in the drivers' seat... SLOWLY and patiently working to feel into sensations and emotions that may be present. Bringing your awareness to your body, sensing what is happening inside of you, to the degree that it begins to feel like too much. Then pull back. Trusting in your own right-timing, and that these baby steps are honoring the pace of your nervous system. As mentioned above, sometimes it feels real good to stay in my head. It feels safer there, even when it feels chaotic. So how can I honor that that's where my nervous system is at? By acknowledging, allowing, and titrating back and forth between mind and body, pain and pleasure, chaos and groundedness.
Resist the urge to merge: It's one thing to be feeling a feeling, it's another thing to become a feeling. Merging means that we've become one with our feelings –enmeshed with them– rather than noticing them as something within us, something moving through us. Merging happens to the best of us, we're human (I think?). Next time you're in full tornado mode, I invite you to first just notice: Are you the chaos, the fear, the shame? Or are you sensing chaos and fear and shame within you? Making this distinction is the first step towards getting some separation from the chaos and grounding back into safety and stillness. If you're merged, just notice it, name it and do whatever you need to do to cope and get through it. Once you notice you're a bit more detached from it, lean in with curiosity about what's there to be felt.
So my question to you now is: What do YOU need to be in right-relationship with your chaos?
Rooting for you SO HARD,
XO
Holly